Depression

"A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist." - Stewart Alsop

So... Again, it's well past midnight and I can't sleep. I really hate it when this happens because all of my friends are asleep, and I don't play many videogames so I get bored really quickly. And when I get bored I usually just play music and lay in bed staring at the ceiling and think about life, and everything.

A guy by the name of ZeFrank calls this the "Everything Thing". It's where you psych yourself out by thinking about all of the 'what if's', 'could have been's, and 'supposed to be's. It's not good ^_^;;
When I start doing this death eventually pops into the equation. And this is also bad. 

I've been deathly afraid of death since I first found out about it when I was about 5 (pardon the pun). I've always been bright so even at that age I put everything together and realized that I, as well as everyone else I loved, knew, and cared about would die. But I'm not sure exactly what about it scares me. I don't know if it's the fact that my conscience will stop existing, or that I am afraid of going to hell/heaven even though I'm not religious whatsoever. Or that I will die alone, or will it be painful? I just don't know. Or maybe the fact that it's inevitable. Muh, I dunno. But what I do know is that I find the thought so unsettling that when I think about it, even right now as I am typing I am shaking.

I wish I could find solace in religion, but I don't think that will work with me. My mother is against forcing your kids to have/accept a religion during their childhood because they don't know left from right let alone god damn religion. And because of that I've only been inside of a church once before. It was because I heard a bunch of my friends in my 1st grade class say how cool church was and I asked my dad if I could go to see how it was. Well, after about 10 minutes of sitting there I got bored, and asked my dad if we could leave. He just laughed a little, smiled and said "sure bud". The only other times I've been in a church would be for either scouts, or funerals. I just can't seem to develop any sort of faith. I just don't get it. I'm a science person. I need proof, or unreasonable doubt. Not me putting my faith out for something that has not proven itself to me. It's kind of like a relationship. I get that kind of faith. You can have faith in your partner because they have proven and shown to you that they will not cheat and/or leave you. But religion? No sort of god has proven themselves to me, and until that happens I don't think I could ever be religious. I'd love to be, it would cure me of my fears (I think), but...Yeah..

So I guess that's it for tonight. Later all